A concerned friend asked me about treating a case of cross-species baldness of a Wombat.
It a sad day when a wombat is so distressed that it loses it hair, grows long sharp claws, and rips out the throat of a veterinary assistant.
Why did she ask me?No. Really! Why me?
Anyhooo, after delving into research on veterinary medicine for what seemed minutes, I believe I have found something that just might work!
The fix is to use is Kraft Vegemite. Made from yeast extract (by-product of BEER making) it can be used as a bread spread, a dip, a industrial lubricant, protection from solar flares, elephant repellent, Wallaby bait, and hair restoration for distressed Wombats.
IMPORTANT - Use a directed.
Side effects include: Psychosis, visual and tactile hallucinations, maycause Jerkins Glycemia (a condition where the eyelids, nose and lips slowly slide off ones face), numbing of brain tissue, belly-button inversion, naughty shedding of garments on web cams, licorice addiction, and toaster speed racing.
I hope this helps. Feel free to ask questions regarding anything! I will be glad to research as much inappropriate information that I can find in five minutes or less. I am professional if I'm anything.
"It's early evening. Everyone has seated themselves in the smaller of the two assembly halls at the rec center. One-by-one, someone voluntarily stands up and moves to the front of the planted group. They walk over to the microphone snaking out of an old wooden dias with a grain that had once a smoothly varnished finish, but now, features a full compliment of hand-carved initials within hearts, left there by youthful love struck vandals. Each person announce their name, state their challenge, and wait briefly to receive an acknowledgement from the audience. Then, it's my turn. I do the walk, and position myself under the warming lamp thats hangs low enough to do so. I speak in the mike.
"Hi! My name is Dennis, and I'm a baldy.... not completely though! Compared to most of you guys, I'm freaking Repunzel! I feel like I'm talking to room full of bowling balls with eyes! I bet your kids try to paint your heads on Easter."
Exit, left.
There are many reasons for thinning hair or hair loss, aside from medical conditions and from medicines that can cause hair loss and, yes, there is such a thing as “female pattern baldness”, but..., I'd rather talk about myself.
I am one of the many men who are “follically challenged”. Most of us eventually accept Mother Nature's wrath, with all it's cruel and cold manner (I wear a hat, especially in the winter) and her silly genetic coding delivered by Mr. Heredity. I did not ask, and most would not, for my hair to abandon my once hirsute head.
So you start to drop some hair, here and there, now and then, and then one day someone mentions that your shiny spot is getting bigger. BIGGER!!!! Well, what are you gonna' do... besides panic, do a comb-over, cut your hair short, buy that spray-on hair-paint from Ron Popeil, start rubbing hot radishes or onions on your thinning scalp, have a cow lick your head, rub dry bees on your head. Concoctions, including one that consisted of toes of a dog, the refuse of dates, and a hoof of an ass (not my ass), was once used by Egyptian royalty. All these were considered cures for baldness at one time.
Baldness is even mentioned in the Christian bible (Kings 2: 23) where a bald man was mocked and chased by a large group of youths. According to the story, the baldy stopped and turned to deliver the youth a curse in the name of God, after which two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the misguided youngsters. The bald man ran back to the injured youth and stole any scalps pieces that the bears had torn off, placed them on his head and ran around the village shouting at top of his lungs, “Look at me, look at me! I have hair! I'm so very pretty”. This leads me to believe that there may have been other reasons he was chased out-of-town, being it was a Christian town and all. And you can check out Leviticus also. It says something about men in any state of baldness are all "pure men"!
My Less Than True Explanations for My Balding.
I just learnt that Nair is not a good shampoo.
My wife secretly yanks follicles out of my head while I sleep. Revenge for my snoring, no doubt!
Stress!!! It drives up blood pressure. High blood pressure pushes out the hair follicles from your scalp and leaves you as an embarrassed corpse with a bad toupee, after your massive stroke!
My brain is still growing, and it's starting to push out my hair making space for it's enormity.
I touch myself, OK! It's supposed to be a perfectly normal and healthy activity, and it's great for developing an awesome grip.
How I Explain the Recession.
I am losing my hair so gradually, that everyone will eventually notice.
I have been donating my follicles to cancer patients and hairless Chihuahuas.
I haven't lost my hair, it has simply migrated south.... via my back... to my ass. Do you know how hard it is to comb your back hair, let alone your ass hair!
My hair loss is because I, in particular produce way-way-way too much of the male sex hormone which causes side effects such as hair loss and extreme super sexual stamina.
I joined The Hairless Club for men! Not only am I a member, I'm also the president, secretary, and that weird guy who fetches coffee and doughnuts.
I used a Binford B8000 hair dryer, with 8000 energy sucking watts of scalp scorching heat delivered by a twin-turbine turbo aviation grade induction fan, capable of delivering over 600 knots of super heated hair drying. That would have the blow power equivalent to Katrini times a factor 3... in Hell... on a hot day.
Happiness is: Readers "Clicking" on a few of my sponsor ads. Eventually I will need a new keyboard or a surgery for tunnel carpal, and possibly more frequent visits with my therapist!
My best guess regarding these tricky animal viruses. Zoonoses has nothing to do animal noses, but has everything to do with viruses that cross from animal to mankind and womankind.
The Swine Flew!(Who knew pigs flu?) aka. Piggy flu, Porcine Bug, Porky Piggyitus, Bad Back Bacon Cold.
Avian Influenza -It's for the birds. See Alfred Hitchcock.
Vampirism – The biting flu. General consensus is that this virus sucks. Makes skin very sensitive to sunlight, and you can develop severe allergic reaction to garlic bread and wooden stakes.
Bartonellosis (Cat Scratch Fever) is an infectious disease produced by bacteria of the genus Bart Simpson. Causes bad kids to scratch good cats.
Werewolf Disease – Furry face disease, aka. The Gillette Razor Challenge Disease. aka The Robin Williams disease.
Hanta-Virus – Viruses from houses that have ghosts. Also available in mouse poop and mouse urine flavours.
Lassa Fever – Opposite of firsta fever. Nobody likes to be Lassa, even viruses.
Herpes B Virus – The 80% virus. should have studied harder to get an “A”.
Q Fever – A futuristic, omnipotent virus first encountered in the Alpha quadrant.
Cowpox – Like chicken pox, only bigger, without the feathers and beaks. Got it's name from dairymaids touching the udders of infected cows. You get red blisters and it is transmitted by touch from infected animals to humans. This is the cool part- When it is gone, the person is immune to smallpox. Really!
Sodoku – not to be confused with Sudoku fever or Saturday Night Fever.
West Nile Virus – is there an East Nile virus? Why Not?
Psittacosis- aka. parrot disease, parrot fever. Makes you crave for crackers and pirates.
Rabies- Do not animals bite you. Do not bite other animals, no matter how delicious... they... look!
Click an Ad!Make Me Rich!At least support my caffeine addiction!
Jump out of a plane, preferably with a chute, blindfolded, and with a bunch of whistles glued to your helmet.
Use a bench grinder to do your nails.
Pet alligators! I mean, like you would pet a dog.
Go for a walk in a prison yard, screaming “You're all guilty!” while shaking a wet bar of soap in the air.
Introduce dental hygiene to hibernating Grizzly bears.
Eat delicious, sun-ripened egg salad sandwiches.
Go hunting with Dick Cheney. He needs a new buddy.
Walk around an archery club with an apple strapped to your head.
Go to an Irish wake and rubber stamp the stiff's forehead with “DEAD MIC”.
Remember, gambling is not really a contributor to the economy as it is a re-distributor of wealth. It's a way to take your money and give it to strangers, with some for community building and excellent port-o-potties, and even some to pay very expensive salaries to executives (don't forget those annual bonuses), and a chunk to a few gamblers who just walked in the door to play for the first time, further making you more frustrated and irritable, if.
I've noticed that the cups they used for the old token system are gone. They were they too expensive apparently. That, and a couple of older folks have accidentally sipped back their tokens. Casinos never show people that run themselves, and their families, into huge debt chasing that one big win, nor do they show the hangers in the bathroom.
Responsibility
They do say, however, to gamble responsibly. Just how do they define responsible?
Do You Stop when:
You have lost the money you budgeted and smile.
You have lost a fair amount of money and lament the losses, and the busted budget.
You have lost a lot of money and you hide it from your partner, and the bank.
You have lost all your money, and your partner, and your dog bites you and then spits it out, and then it dies.
You have lost more money from the recent loan you took out, and Tony doesn't like it much when you are late with your payment. Capiche?
You have lost someone else monies, and that someone is the Seven-Eleven you visited the night before wearing your kids Halloween mask.
It's a trick question. You never stop, that's just the way it works, right? Responsible gambling addicts;never met one!
ps. Click an ad on this page so I can get a penny for my thoughts! Thanx!
Follow these five simple steps and you to can partially recover some money that otherwise would be wasted on a slot machine!
.
I give you PayPal account
You give me your PayPal account.
You take the amount of money you spend at the slots each week, and deposit it in my PayPal account.
Every two or three weeks, I will deposit up to half of what you deposited in my account, back into your PayPal account.
Repeat.
I'm happy because I'm supplying a service to the gambling public. You are somewhat happy because you actually get some money back.
Another way to win at gambling without gambling on slots, don't gamble.
You are 100% ahead when you keep your money away from those strangers at casinos. Honestly, do you really feel good if someone you don't even know, gets happy and wealthy off your money? If you have to do something with that cash that involves strangers, buy a homeless guy a meal, or a car, or even better, a house and solve one homeless problem, or see above and ask for my PayPal account.
Other things you could gamble with might include paying for you kids or grand kids education, or see above and ask for my PayPal account. You could take a trip to Japan or China or Hong Kong, or see above and ask for my PayPal account. Actually, I wouldn't mind seeing Japan or China or Hong Kong.
Gambling is a distraction for most people more than anything else. "Slots" are merciless and cold and actual machines. They are not possessed by magic entities that you either piss off resulting in losses, or that you please and they reward you by dropping a pittance in your complimentary coin cup. Many people playing slots think that the machines run hot and cold, or that they improve their chances of winning by sticking with a machine, or that tiny trinkets rubbed on the screen of the machine will evoke the gods of dinaros to consider paying out. Personally, I think tripping and banging your head on a machine will get you the best return, after the casino insurance pays up.
Good plan, eh!
ps. Click an ad on this page so I can get a penny for my thoughts! Thanx!
The fix is to use is Kraft Vegemite. Made from yeast extract (by-product of BEER making) it can be used as a bread spread, a dip, a industrial lubricant, protection from solar flares, elephant repellent, Wallaby bait, and hair restoration for distressed Wombats.
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