New Rules for "Devil's Night"

I think it is important that youth, and those young at heart, and vandals in general, be considerate and as cordial as possible when practicing “prank vandalism”.

Here are some tips:

• Use anti-bacterial soap when soaping windows.

• Using 1-ply paper will do for tee-peeing houses and is less expensive. Use recycled paper when possible. NOTE- Recycled paper IS NOT "recently used in your bathroom" paper.

• Spray targets with a coat of Pam or some other non-stick coating before egging. Bacon, toast, and coffee are welcome additions.

• Bags should be lined with fire retardant and a deodorizer.

• DO NOT, I repeat, do not include the dog when placing the dog poop it the bag! 

• Strict arson laws must be obeyed. Instead of using an actual flame, I suggest one of those battery powered L.E.D. candles be placed in the bag of poop. You could also try attaching a large, easy to read note to the bag of poop. eg.”This bag of poop is on FIRE! Quick! Stomp your foot down on it several times to extinguish the raging flames!"

Other Names for Devil's Night

“Mischief Night”, “Gate Night”, “Goosey Night”, “Cabbage Night”, “Mizzy Night”, “Miggy Night”, “Tick-Tack Night”, “Corn Night”, “Trick Night”, “Micky Night”, “Ding-Dong Ditch”, “Knick knock, Knicker-knocking”, “Knock n' Run”, “Knock Knock, Zoom Zoom”, "Ring and Run", “Nicky-Nicky Nine Doors”, “Knock, Knock, Ginger” "Bobby Knocking", “Hedge Hopping", "Chapdoor Runaway", "Chappy". 

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Improvements: Elevators

• Put in swanky washrooms. You have a couple of minutes to kill, why not freshen up while you wait. And it has to have an attendant, with hot towels and tips on horse races.
• Install kiddy-slides on all floors. Elevator Up - Slide Down.
• Convert elevator buttons to also operate as a slot machine.
• In order to carry more passengers, install a much larger propeller. The current ones on elevator ceilings are way, way, too small.
• Install a music jukebox so I can choose my own elevator music.
• "Mystery Floor" button.
• Have elevators that go side to side, as well as up and down, so you can get off right at the door.
• Doors that make the "swish" sound, like the ones on the turbo-lift on Star Trek.
• Mirrored floors on elevators. What? It's so I can check if I have gum on the bottom of my shoe! Why else would you put a mirror on the floor?
• Vending machines for snacks, coffee, soda, samosas and stuff. (but not the stuff you get from a washroom vending machines)
• Elevator music by actual preforming elevator musicians. 

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These Guys Saw Me Coming

Things I learned When Shopping for Eyeglasses

• "Specials" mostly apply to the over-sized twisty-straw frames with neon sparkles. You'll find these frames in the greasy box at the back of the store, near the washrooms- follow the smell. It's right next to the box full of fake mustaches and plastic noses.

• You have to choose lenses. Selections are rated by quality. For instance: "Better Than the Best", "The Best", "Good", "OK", "OK.. In a Brightly Lit Room", "Recycled Cut Glass", and the special's "Why Bother At All With These- Get Yourself a Dog and A White Cane Instead". The “Special” does not include the cane or dog.

• Extras apparently add to the cost. The glasses are not as complete as advertised.

Nose, brows & stache extra!

• Pre-scratched lenses are the ones included in all “Specials”. An “anti-scratch” coating can be applied for a large fee. That will have to be done at the factory level. The factory will divert your lenses from the “pre-scratch application” production line to the “anti-scratch protection... sort of, kind of” production line.

• UV protection is extra. It helps to prevent your eyeballs from being irradiated by the sun or 150 watt light bulbs. I think it's kind of expensive for the UV treatment, considering most ten dollar sunglasses have the same coating.

• You will need an anti-reflective coating if you don't want to see the back of your yucky retinas projected forward onto your lenses.

• You will usually when get a handsome flexible plastic eyeglass envelope for free. Allegedly this will keep you glasses protected from minor wind penetrations, fingerprints, and from some of the damage that may result from carrying your glasses very carefully.

• Purchase the lens cleaner from the store - 1. It’s really expensive and therefore pretty good stuff, and, B) It has the store's name on it so you can remember where not buy next time.

WARNING - Do not apply lens cleaner fluid directly to eyeballs. Do not consume the lens cleaner fluid. Doing so will probably result in blindness. If either event occurs, feel around for the phone. Good luck dialing. Remember the dial pad numbers start with "1" at the top, keypads start with "7".

• Bifocals cost more. They come in two styles. The ones with the line across the lens, and the ones without the line across the lens. You pay more for the ones without the line. I don't think I should pay extra for something that's not there.

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