New Rules for "Devil's Night"

I think it is important that youth, and those young at heart, and vandals in general, be considerate and as cordial as possible when practicing “prank vandalism”.

Here are some tips:

• Use anti-bacterial soap when soaping windows.

• Using 1-ply paper will do for tee-peeing houses and is less expensive. Use recycled paper when possible. NOTE- Recycled paper IS NOT "recently used in your bathroom" paper.

• Spray targets with a coat of Pam or some other non-stick coating before egging. Bacon, toast, and coffee are welcome additions.

• Bags should be lined with fire retardant and a deodorizer.

• DO NOT, I repeat, do not include the dog when placing the dog poop it the bag! 

• Strict arson laws must be obeyed. Instead of using an actual flame, I suggest one of those battery powered L.E.D. candles be placed in the bag of poop. You could also try attaching a large, easy to read note to the bag of poop. eg.”This bag of poop is on FIRE! Quick! Stomp your foot down on it several times to extinguish the raging flames!"

Other Names for Devil's Night

“Mischief Night”, “Gate Night”, “Goosey Night”, “Cabbage Night”, “Mizzy Night”, “Miggy Night”, “Tick-Tack Night”, “Corn Night”, “Trick Night”, “Micky Night”, “Ding-Dong Ditch”, “Knick knock, Knicker-knocking”, “Knock n' Run”, “Knock Knock, Zoom Zoom”, "Ring and Run", “Nicky-Nicky Nine Doors”, “Knock, Knock, Ginger” "Bobby Knocking", “Hedge Hopping", "Chapdoor Runaway", "Chappy". 

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Improvements: Elevators

• Put in swanky washrooms. You have a couple of minutes to kill, why not freshen up while you wait. And it has to have an attendant, with hot towels and tips on horse races.
• Install kiddy-slides on all floors. Elevator Up - Slide Down.
• Convert elevator buttons to also operate as a slot machine.
• In order to carry more passengers, install a much larger propeller. The current ones on elevator ceilings are way, way, too small.
• Install a music jukebox so I can choose my own elevator music.
• "Mystery Floor" button.
• Have elevators that go side to side, as well as up and down, so you can get off right at the door.
• Doors that make the "swish" sound, like the ones on the turbo-lift on Star Trek.
• Mirrored floors on elevators. What? It's so I can check if I have gum on the bottom of my shoe! Why else would you put a mirror on the floor?
• Vending machines for snacks, coffee, soda, samosas and stuff. (but not the stuff you get from a washroom vending machines)
• Elevator music by actual preforming elevator musicians. 

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These Guys Saw Me Coming

Things I learned When Shopping for Eyeglasses

• "Specials" mostly apply to the over-sized twisty-straw frames with neon sparkles. You'll find these frames in the greasy box at the back of the store, near the washrooms- follow the smell. It's right next to the box full of fake mustaches and plastic noses.

• You have to choose lenses. Selections are rated by quality. For instance: "Better Than the Best", "The Best", "Good", "OK", "OK.. In a Brightly Lit Room", "Recycled Cut Glass", and the special's "Why Bother At All With These- Get Yourself a Dog and A White Cane Instead". The “Special” does not include the cane or dog.

• Extras apparently add to the cost. The glasses are not as complete as advertised.

Nose, brows & stache extra!

• Pre-scratched lenses are the ones included in all “Specials”. An “anti-scratch” coating can be applied for a large fee. That will have to be done at the factory level. The factory will divert your lenses from the “pre-scratch application” production line to the “anti-scratch protection... sort of, kind of” production line.

• UV protection is extra. It helps to prevent your eyeballs from being irradiated by the sun or 150 watt light bulbs. I think it's kind of expensive for the UV treatment, considering most ten dollar sunglasses have the same coating.

• You will need an anti-reflective coating if you don't want to see the back of your yucky retinas projected forward onto your lenses.

• You will usually when get a handsome flexible plastic eyeglass envelope for free. Allegedly this will keep you glasses protected from minor wind penetrations, fingerprints, and from some of the damage that may result from carrying your glasses very carefully.

• Purchase the lens cleaner from the store - 1. It’s really expensive and therefore pretty good stuff, and, B) It has the store's name on it so you can remember where not buy next time.

WARNING - Do not apply lens cleaner fluid directly to eyeballs. Do not consume the lens cleaner fluid. Doing so will probably result in blindness. If either event occurs, feel around for the phone. Good luck dialing. Remember the dial pad numbers start with "1" at the top, keypads start with "7".

• Bifocals cost more. They come in two styles. The ones with the line across the lens, and the ones without the line across the lens. You pay more for the ones without the line. I don't think I should pay extra for something that's not there.

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Ten Things That Happened Today

1. On September 20th I awoke at 5:00 am. Then again at 5:20, 5:46, 6:20, 6:27, and 6:53. I find alarm clocks are not strict enough these days.
2. I went to eye doctor. I have now achieved prescription status. It's glasses or contacts. I lose my readers all the time, so I think "contacts". Eye doc says I won't lose my glasses because I'll be wearing them all the time. He may know a lot about my eyes, but he sure doesn't know a lot about me.
3. On the other hand, my eye pressure is 22 mm Hg, so I might not need the glasses for very long. You know you've let yourself go when your eyes get the equivalent of high blood pressure.
4. My sister-in-law cut her finger with an electric hedge trimmer. I suggested she use nail clippers next time.
5. Stopped at Mickey D's to use washroom. The place was disgusting and smelly... before I got in there. Hanging on the back of the door I found the sheet they sign when staff have inspected the washroom for "cleanliness" on "an hourly basis". I wrote down the phone number of my eye doctor.
6.  Wife got me to stop at the Sally Ann thrift store. She found one of those inflatable beds in a bag and insisted on buying it, despite the fact we enough beds at home for everyone. She says she has always wanted one! I wanted a Ferrari, but the Sally Ann was all out of those.
7. In my backyard I put a pipe in the ground so I could stick up an umbrella clothesline. Then I washed all our umbrellas and hung them to dry.
8. I made spaghetti for supper last night. I was too lazy to cook this evening, so I made up a little something from yesterdays leftovers. Spaghetti sandwiches will not be a regular favourite at my house.
9. After supper my daughter went to the mall  with a friend of hers. I asked that she be careful as usual, and to catch an early bus to get home. She is very good about texting me with updates when she is out. At 9:00pm, later than I expected, she texted, "Bus is running late. Me and Steph are getting a ride with this old guy. He has lots of room in his big white van. C'ya soon". My eye pressure went up to 32 before I passed out, banging my head on my wife's recently purchased inflatable bed. My head would not ache as much if only she had taken the time to inflate it. 
10. My home is somewhat unkempt today. Fortunately it is night-time, and I can remedy that quickly. I will turn off my light soon and all will be well.

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A Tale of Two Bell Customer Service Reps

As a gift for a relative, our family have been paying for an added service for their Bell phone line. Our relative has since moved and no longer needs that service.

Tale of Customer Service Rep #1

So my Wife calls Bell and....

Melody: We overpaid on this account to eliminate teeny tiny invoices every month, and that line service is no longer needed, we would like our money back.
Bell: Is that your phone line?
Melody: No, but the billing is under our name for that service.
Bell: That's impossible!You can't do that! It's not your line!
Melody: Yes, we have! And yes, you send us the bill to our address. Would you like the info of the statement?, and of course, they did.
Bell: I can't let you do that. Let me get my supervisor!" 

Hmph! A dweebie Bell customer service representative. How odd!
While Melody was waiting for the "Super-visor"...

• Elevator music 
• Bell Ad 
• Platitudes regarding how important our business is to them
• Big brother message about the call being monitored for QC 
• Rinse and repeat......

Supervisor: I'm sorry. You do not own this number and we cannot therefore authorize a credit.
Melody: The statement is in our name and you sent it to us.
Supervisor: I'm sorry. That must have been a mistake. I cannot authorize any action on the account unless it is from the owner of the number.

A series of but-buts ensue that carry on for a bit... but, to no avail. Unfortunately she was unable to get the name of the supervisor. The old quick disconnect trick.

Total time spent on phone with Bell- 30Min (approx.)

Tale of Customer Service Rep #2

I get home to hear my flustered wife's story. So I take a run at them too.

Dennis: Hi. I need a refund for a canceled service.
Bell: What is your account number from the invoice?
Dennis: Yada yada yada info.
Bell: Just a moment.

• Elevator mus... He's back!

Bell: Thank you for your patience! I need a few more minutes to calculate any outstanding charges so we can issue the balance as a refund.
Dennis: Go for it!

• Elevator music
• Bell Ad
• Platitudes regard.... He's Back!!

Bell: Would you like that credited to your home phone line account, or would you like us to issue a cheque?
Dennis: Whatever is fastest, and simplest.
Bell: Why don't I send you one last bill for the M-T-D (Month to Date) charges and send you a cheque for what we show as a credit balance as of the last statement on record.
Dennis: Sounds wonderful!
Bell: I still have a few details to clear. Would you like to hold or would you like me to call you back?
Dennis: Call me back! But, could I get your name first, just in case something goes wrong.
Bell: I'll give you my employee number. xxxxxxxx. Thank you for your patience!
Dennis: OK! I'll wait for your call.

• Hang up.  Two minutes later!

Bell: Hi. It's all taken care of. However, I must tell you that it may take 4 to 6 weeks before you get the cheque.
Dennis: That's ok! Funny, though! Bell wants me to pay my bill within 25 days of the statement date, yet, they take 4 to 6 weeks to send me my own money.
Bell: I apologize for that. I'm not sure there is much I can do about it.
Dennis: Sorry. I was just pointing out the difference.

Wow! That was great! I decide not to count my money before the cheque arrives.

Total time spent on phone with Bell - 12 Min (approx.)

So, how did this end?

Two weeks later we receive our cheque.

I guess it does depend on who you talk to when you want good service.

It's just the luck of the draw when you do get good service.

Too bad!

 

Bell Telephone Service - ☆ Codes I'd Find Handy

• PRESS *101 -Slaps, HARD, the head of the person on the other end of the line.

• PRESS *273 -Activates Lie Detector. If the other person should tell a fib while talking to you, an appropriate message when indicate to the lying bastard that they have been busted.
  
  
  
  

  Human Voice Clip Male Fifty Year Old Exclamation Liar Liar Pants On Fire sound bite  Human sound bites

  
  
  
  
  
  
  

• Press *744 – This the number for the Misinformation Operator. When you ask for a telephone number for a person, the operator will pick randomly a number from a previously generated list. This service is said to be 25% more accurate than regular 411 operator.

• Press *364 – Will taser person at the other end. Handy for those unsolicited telemarketer calls.

• Press *0-0 – Press the code and then hold up the handset to your eyes in a fashion of binoculars. This feature allows to see caller in their undies... or better.

• Press *942 – “The Inclement Weather Channel”. Allows you to experience all bad weather without leaving the house. Note- Bell is not responsible for water or hail damage.

• Press *672 – “Randomized Death Ray”. It will only fire if the caller says something stupid, tries to sell you something, asks for donations, or uses the phrase “It costs you absolutely nothing to try!”

• Press ***8 – Will tell you your service technician's current location. Transmitters are located throughout the region at all fast food outlets and adult novelty shops.

• Press *000 – Handy if you answer the phone and it's someone you don't want to talk to. You will have a choice of the following background voice and sound emulations. 
• 1. Your mother calling out for help. The emulation will shout out “I've fallen off the toilet and can't get up.” 
• 2. You, being arrested in a major drug bust. 
• 3. Supper call complete if a playing of a triangle and a hearty “Come and get it!”! 
• 4. Escalating buzzing and static sounds. 
• 5. Bell interrupting your call to tell you that your service is being terminated immediately for non-payment of phone bill. 
• 6. “GET THE FUCK OFF THE PHONE! NOW, ASS-HOLE!!!” in voice of the Terminator, and 
• 7. Skip-A-Word where every second or third word of your side of the conversation is dropped.

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If Jesus Had a Pizza Restaurant...

☺What name could he chose. Look at the success of St. Hubert, patron saint of chicken and dipping sauce. Certainly there would room in the marketplace for a little competition. Besides, if JC plans it right he could offer to save you more than money!
Here's a few names I come up with, but none of these sounds right. What do you think?

☼ "Jesus' Pizza" ☼ "God's Grub" ☼ "Christ, That's Good" ☼ "Lord's Fixings" ☼ 

☼ "House of God - Pizza & Wings" ☼ "Holy Pizza!" ☼

☺Menu items might look like this if he was to take advantage of his celebrity. I don't think there are stories regarding his prowess in the kitchen. I really think he was a BBQ kind of guy. On Sundays he makes his special Lazarus Bread, get there early enough you can watch it rise up.

We use unleavened dough in all our pizzas!
Gentile menu available!

☼ The Chosen Peoples Pizza - Made with smoked meat, deviled eggs, gefilte fish, pastrami,  with goat cheese fresh from the goat.
☼ Lucifer's Punishment 

         - EXTRA Flaming Hot Angel Wings!
☼ Gabriel Lite Archangel Wings 

          - with Special Anointing Sauce.
☼ Rack of Lamb of God.
☼ Juicy Speared Ribs
☼ Angel hair pasta -made from the hair of real angels.

Dipping Sauces                                                                

☼ BBQ ☼ Hot ☼ Christ that's really Hot  ☼  

☼  Hot as Hell ☼ God damn it to HELL HOT!!!! ☼
☼ Apocalyptic ☼

Sides

☼ Caesar Salad with Real Bits of Caesar ☼
 ☼ Garden of Eden Green Salad ** apple free ☼
☼ Holy garlic bread ** gothes must show ID ☼
☼ All you can eat Manna ☼

   Desserts                                                

  All are fat and sin free!                                   

☼ Hot crossed buns ☼ Devils food cake ☼ Angels Food Cake ☼                                                          

 

      Drinks                                                          

☼ JC's Wine Eternal - JC's own special label. Just keep adding water to the bottle. ☼

                                ☼ Free holy water ☼ Pontius Pilot Punch ☼

☺You Might Overhear...

• “Is that pick-up or would you like it delivered onto thee?”
• “Would you like wine with that? No. You say that last bottle was a tad watery."
• "Yes. Delivery is 30 Minutes or salvation is free.”
• “Yep! We do kosher.”
• “I'm deeply sorry for that. I'll double the garlic bread and say 3 Hail Marys.
• 'I'll let my son talk to you. Jesus! Jesus Christ, will you get up to the front right now!

☺Health and safety could be a concern!

• Does Jesus wear a hair net? And a beard net?
• Hires and underpays minorities such as Samaritans and Lepers.
• Signs are not multilingual. Should have French, English, Arabic, Hebrew, and Aramaic.
• Health violations - frogs, blood in water, lice, flies, sick donkeys, boils, sick donkeys with boils, locust, serpents, poor lighting, demons, Roman soldiers...

☺Testimonials...

• "Jesus pizza is a wise choice for all your party needs!"  ~ King Salomon

• "Pizza that's, unfortunately, good for your soul!"  ~ Lucifer

• "If I knew it was this good, I never had quit the group or turned him in!"  ~ Judas Iscariot

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How to Mess with a Quote from Voltarie

One day I posted a quote by Voltaire, who was a prolific writer, a poet, a philosopher, and a nom de plumer kind of guy from the 18th century. I have read much of his work... some of his work... a couple quotes attributed to him. I consider this dead man, and you can quote me on this, to not only be quotable, but a dead French man as well. French like France French, not like Canada French. For that matter  not like Bulgarian French, Cambodian French, Cape Verdeans French, Dominican French, Egyptian French, Equatorial Guinean French, Guinea-Bissauian French, Laotian French, Lebanese French, Moroccan French, Mauritanian French, Mauritanian French, Moldavian French, Romanian French, Saint-Lucian French, Sao-Tomé et Principenean French, Tunisian French, nor Vietnamese French. That is to say, Voltaire was born in France.

Zee Quote

Don't let the PERFECT be the enemy of the GOOD. ~ Voltarie

My cuz Diana sent the following comment about the quoted quote which I quoteded..eded...did:

Diana: "That's good but not perfect!! ;0)"

Diana has a talent for striking my medial epicondyle of the humerus. This causes instantaneous babbling in me, as well as some riveting River Dancing, whilst I mutter "old duck" or something like that.

Dennis: That's a perfectly “good” comment! This is to say, the “comment" was not "perfect", it was "good". “Good" by itself is always "perfect", hence "perfectly good".

"Perfect" is "good", but not great, as it does not allow for less than "perfect" nor more than "perfect". "Good" can always get better however "perfect" cannot get better. "More perfect" would simply mean "perfect". Therefore that "whatever" was misrepresented as "perfect" when it was actually only "good" before.

"Perfect" is like 100%. There is no "good" valid use of anything like 110% or 737%, as numeric grammar does not allow for anything more than 100%, which is essence "1 "or "perfection".

"Good" news, numeracy does allow for factors.

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Ask a Question or Make a Comment or Throw a Rock!

Earthquake Thoughts

• I think a better name than "Richter Scale"  would be the “Ricky Scale". We can use Lucy heads to indicate how annoying the quake is.

• Find shelter inside some sort of large tank... the army type would be best. Living in a tent in the middle of an empty field would work to. Don't forget your lighting rod.

• Quickly don your big yellow "All Purpose Emergency Nerf Safety Suit" when an event is imminent.

• Animals are often the first to sense earthquake activity, so look to your pet or cat dog. If your pet is shaking a lot and walking in a jittery fashion, then they are saying to you “It's an earthquake, stupid human!”

• Another way to tell if an earthquake is occurring is to stand outside near a large building. Getting hit on the head by a falling brick or an iron girder is a certain sign of a quake.

• Get a really really big safe deposit box, preferably with a washroom built in.

• Buy some cheap hairspray to laminate your entire house.

• Pyramids seem to be reasonably earthquake safe places to live in. I let my mommy hide there too.

• Buy a bunch of those aeroplane "black boxes" and build a home out of them. 

• Advantage- An indestructible home. 
• Disadvantage - No one will ever be able to locate you. 

• Have a stick of deodorant handy. We have all heard the stories of stinking, rotting, decaying corpses. It would be nice to find an "Old Spicey” scented, rotting, decaying corpse once in awhile.

• A message from @MaDuke says “it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be but the illuminati is trying to make an earthquake go off in nyc sometime soon. they hit ottawa, candana yesterday and nuccas in west new york, cinncinati, maine, idaho, toronato felt that shit.” This guy is connected!

• It's a good idea to have emergency supplies on hand such as adult diapers, energy bars, water, matches, and flashlights. When the batteries die, you can burn those flashlights. The fire can be used warm up the energy bars or boil water or cook up your stupid dog that apparently doesn't know what an earthquake is.

Treating a Case of Cross-Specis Baldness

A concerned friend asked me about treating a case of cross-species baldness of a Wombat.

1. It a sad day when a wombat is so distressed that it loses it hair, grows long sharp claws, and rips out the throat of a veterinary assistant.
2. Why did she ask me?No. Really! Why me?

Anyhooo, after delving into research on veterinary medicine for what seemed minutes, I believe I have found something that just might work!

The fix is to use is Kraft Vegemite. Made from yeast extract (by-product of BEER making) it can be used as a bread spread, a dip, a industrial lubricant, protection from solar flares, elephant repellent, Wallaby bait, and hair restoration for distressed Wombats.

IMPORTANT - Use a directed.

Side effects include: Psychosis, visual and tactile hallucinations, may cause Jerkins Glycemia (a condition where the eyelids, nose and lips slowly slide off ones face), numbing of brain tissue, belly-button inversion, naughty shedding of garments on web cams, licorice addiction, and toaster speed racing.

I hope this helps. Feel free to ask questions regarding anything! I will be glad to research as much inappropriate information that I can find in five minutes or less. I am professional if I'm anything.

Dennis
MD (Me Dennis)
FKIA (F@#king Know It All)