Thursday, March 22, 2018

Signs Your Doctor Giving You The Flu Shot Is A Quack

  •     Places a tourniquet around your neck so he can "raise a good vein."
  •     Tries to inject vaccine using a tattoo needle. Realizing his error, he offers you a belly button piercing at half-price.
  •     He rolls up your sleeve—and pulls down your pants.
  •     Asks if you are allergic to eggs or deep, sensual, massages.
  •     Insists on hooking up defibrillator before proceeding
  •     Takes a selfie while the needle is in your arm.
  •     Offers you a propofol drip before giving you the flu shot.
  •     Sticks you with the needle and surprisingly remarks "Whoa! Your arm has a real bone in it!"
  •     Sterilizes your arm by taking a swig of vodka and licking your shoulder clean.
  •     Insists you wear a shower cap, sit behind the curtain, and call him "Mother!"
  •     Lays a pistol on the desk and says, "Just in case something goes horribly wrong."
  •     Has difficulty pronouncing your name without slurring and giggling and offers you an alcohol swab to suck on.
  •     He warns, "You're gonna feel a little prick," then asks you to reach into his pocket and check for loose change.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

New Rules for "Devil's Night"

I think it is important that youth, and those young at heart, and vandals in general, be considerate and as cordial as possible when practicing “prank vandalism”.

Here are some tips:
  • Use anti-bacterial soap when soaping windows.
  • Using 1-ply paper will do for tee-peeing houses and is less expensive. Use recycled paper when possible. NOTE- Recycled paper IS NOT "recently used in your bathroom" paper.
  • Spray targets with a coat of Pam or some other non-stick coating before egging. Bacon, toast, and coffee are welcome additions.
  • Bags should be lined with fire retardant and a deodorizer.
  • DO NOT, I repeat, do not include the dog when placing the dog poop it the bag! 
  • Strict arson laws must be obeyed. Instead of using an actual flame, I suggest one of those battery powered L.E.D. candles be placed in the bag of poop. You could also try attaching a large, easy to read note to the bag of poop. eg.”This bag of poop is on FIRE! Quick! Stomp your foot down on it several times to extinguish the raging flames!"

Other Names for Devil's Night

“Mischief Night”, “Gate Night”, “Goosey Night”, “Cabbage Night”, “Mizzy Night”, “Miggy Night”, “Tick-Tack Night”, “Corn Night”, “Trick Night”, “Micky Night”, “Ding-Dong Ditch”, “Knick knock, Knicker-knocking”, “Knock n' Run”, “Knock Knock, Zoom Zoom”, "Ring and Run", “Nicky-Nicky Nine Doors”, “Knock, Knock, Ginger” "Bobby Knocking", “Hedge Hopping", "Chapdoor Runaway", "Chappy". 

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Improvements: Elevators

  • Put in swanky washrooms. You have a couple of minutes to kill, why not freshen up while you wait. And it has to have an attendant, with hot towels and tips on horse races.
  • Install kiddy-slides on all floors. Elevator Up - Slide Down.
  • Convert elevator buttons to also operate as a slot machine.
  • In order to carry more passengers, install a much larger propeller. The current ones on elevator ceilings are way, way, too small.
  • Install a music jukebox so I can choose my own elevator music.
  • "Mystery Floor" button.
  • Have elevators that go side to side, as well as up and down, so you can get off right at the door.
  • Doors that make the "swish" sound, like the ones on the turbo-lift on Star Trek.
  • Mirrored floors on elevators. What? It's so I can check if I have gum on the bottom of my shoe! Why else would you put a mirror on the floor?
  • Vending machines for snacks, coffee, soda, samosas and stuff. (but not the stuff you get from a washroom vending machines)
  • Elevator music by actual preforming elevator musicians. 


Friday, October 1, 2010

These Guys Saw Me Coming

Things I learned When Shopping for Eyeglasses
  • "Specials" mostly apply to the over-sized twisty-straw frames with neon sparkles. You'll find these frames in the greasy box at the back of the store, near the washrooms- follow the smell. It's right next to the box full of fake mustaches and plastic noses.
  • You have to choose lenses. Selections are rated by quality. For instance: "Better Than the Best", "The Best", "Good", "OK", "OK.. In a Brightly Lit Room", "Recycled Cut Glass", and the special's "Why Bother At All With These- Get Yourself a Dog and A White Cane Instead". The “Specialdoes not include the cane or dog.
  • Extras apparently add to the cost. The glasses are not as complete as advertised.
    Nose, brows & stache extra!
  • Pre-scratched lenses are the ones included in all “Specials”. An “anti-scratch” coating can be applied for a large fee. That will have to be done at the factory level. The factory will divert your lenses from the “pre-scratch application” production line to the “anti-scratch protection... sort of, kind of” production line.
  • UV protection is extra. It helps to prevent your eyeballs from being irradiated by the sun or 150 watt light bulbs. I think it's kind of expensive for the UV treatment, considering most ten dollar sunglasses have the same coating.
  • You will need an anti-reflective coating if you don't want to see the back of your yucky retinas projected forward onto your lenses.
  • You will usually when get a handsome flexible plastic eyeglass envelope for free. Allegedly this will keep you glasses protected from minor wind penetrations, fingerprints, and from some of the damage that may result from carrying your glasses very carefully.
  • Purchase the lens cleaner from the store - 1. It’s really expensive and therefore pretty good stuff, and, B) It has the store's name on it so you can remember where not buy next time.

WARNING - Do not apply lens cleaner fluid directly to eyeballs. Do not consume the lens cleaner fluid. Doing so will probably result in blindness. If either event occurs, feel around for the phone. Good luck dialing. Remember the dial pad numbers start with "1" at the top, keypads start with "7".
  • Bifocals cost more. They come in two styles. The ones with the line across the lens, and the ones without the line across the lens. You pay more for the ones without the line. I don't think I should pay extra for something that's not there.


    Tuesday, September 21, 2010

    Ten Things That Happened Today

    1. On September 20th I awoke at 5:00 am. Then again at 5:20, 5:46, 6:20, 6:27, and 6:53. I find alarm clocks are not strict enough these days.
    2. I went to eye doctor. I have now achieved prescription status. It's glasses or contacts. I lose my readers all the time, so I think "contacts". Eye doc says I won't lose my glasses because I'll be wearing them all the time. He may know a lot about my eyes, but he sure doesn't know a lot about me.
    3. On the other hand, my eye pressure is 22 mm Hg, so I might not need the glasses for very long. You know you've let yourself go when your eyes get the equivalent of high blood pressure.
    4. My sister-in-law cut her finger with an electric hedge trimmer. I suggested she use nail clippers next time.
    5. Stopped at Mickey D's to use washroom. The place was disgusting and smelly... before I got in there. Hanging on the back of the door I found the sheet they sign when staff have inspected the washroom for "cleanliness" on "an hourly basis". I wrote down the phone number of my eye doctor.
    6.  Wife got me to stop at the Sally Ann thrift store. She found one of those inflatable beds in a bag and insisted on buying it, despite the fact we enough beds at home for everyone. She says she has always wanted one! I wanted a Ferrari, but the Sally Ann was all out of those.
    7. In my backyard I put a pipe in the ground so I could stick up an umbrella clothesline. Then I washed all our umbrellas and hung them to dry.
    8. I made spaghetti for supper last night. I was too lazy to cook this evening, so I made up a little something from yesterdays leftovers. Spaghetti sandwiches will not be a regular favourite at my house.
    9. After supper my daughter went to the mall  with a friend of hers. I asked that she be careful as usual, and to catch an early bus to get home. She is very good about texting me with updates when she is out. At 9:00pm, later than I expected, she texted, "Bus is running late. Me and Steph are getting a ride with this old guy. He has lots of room in his big white van. C'ya soon". My eye pressure went up to 32 before I passed out, banging my head on my wife's recently purchased inflatable bed. My head would not ache as much if only she had taken the time to inflate it. 
    10. My home is somewhat unkempt today. Fortunately it is night-time, and I can remedy that quickly. I will turn off my light soon and all will be well.

    Wednesday, September 8, 2010

    A Tale of Two Bell Customer Service Reps

    As a gift for a relative, our family have been paying for an added service for their Bell phone line. Our relative has since moved and no longer needs that service.

    Tale of Customer Service Rep #1

    So my Wife calls Bell and....
    Melody: We overpaid on this account to eliminate teeny tiny invoices every month, and that line service is no longer needed, we would like our money back.
    Bell: Is that your phone line?
    Melody: No, but the billing is under our name for that service.
    Bell: That's impossible!You can't do that! It's not your line!
    Melody: Yes, we have! And yes, you send us the bill to our address. Would you like the info of the statement?, and of course, they did.
    Bell: I can't let you do that. Let me get my supervisor!" 

    Hmph! A dweebie Bell customer service representative. How odd!
    While Melody was waiting for the "Super-visor"...

    • Elevator music 
    • Bell Ad 
    • Platitudes regarding how important our business is to them
    • Big brother message about the call being monitored for QC 
    • Rinse and repeat......

    Supervisor: I'm sorry. You do not own this number and we cannot therefore authorize a credit.
    Melody: The statement is in our name and you sent it to us.
    Supervisor: I'm sorry. That must have been a mistake. I cannot authorize any action on the account unless it is from the owner of the number.

    A series of but-buts ensue that carry on for a bit... but, to no avail. Unfortunately she was unable to get the name of the supervisor. The old quick disconnect trick.

    Total time spent on phone with Bell- 30Min (approx.)

    Tale of Customer Service Rep #2

    I get home to hear my flustered wife's story. So I take a run at them too.

    Dennis: Hi. I need a refund for a canceled service.
    Bell: What is your account number from the invoice?
    Dennis: Yada yada yada info.
    Bell: Just a moment.

    • Elevator mus... He's back!

    Bell: Thank you for your patience! I need a few more minutes to calculate any outstanding charges so we can issue the balance as a refund.
    Dennis: Go for it!

    • Elevator music
    • Bell Ad
    • Platitudes regard.... He's Back!!

    Bell: Would you like that credited to your home phone line account, or would you like us to issue a cheque?
    Dennis: Whatever is fastest, and simplest.
    Bell: Why don't I send you one last bill for the M-T-D (Month to Date) charges and send you a cheque for what we show as a credit balance as of the last statement on record.
    Dennis: Sounds wonderful!
    Bell: I still have a few details to clear. Would you like to hold or would you like me to call you back?
    Dennis: Call me back! But, could I get your name first, just in case something goes wrong.
    Bell: I'll give you my employee number. xxxxxxxx. Thank you for your patience!
    Dennis: OK! I'll wait for your call.

    • Hang up.  Two minutes later!

    Bell: Hi. It's all taken care of. However, I must tell you that it may take 4 to 6 weeks before you get the cheque.
    Dennis: That's ok! Funny, though! Bell wants me to pay my bill within 25 days of the statement date, yet, they take 4 to 6 weeks to send me my own money.
    Bell: I apologize for that. I'm not sure there is much I can do about it.
    Dennis: Sorry. I was just pointing out the difference.
    Wow! That was great! I decide not to count my money before the cheque arrives.

    Total time spent on phone with Bell - 12 Min (approx.)

    So, how did this end?

    Two weeks later we receive our cheque.

    I guess it does depend on who you talk to when you want good service.

    It's just the luck of the draw when you do get good service.

    Too bad!