Signs Your Doctor Giving You The Flu Shot Is A Quack

•     Places a tourniquet around your neck so he can "raise a good vein."

•     Tries to inject vaccine using a tattoo needle. Realizing his error, he offers you a belly button piercing at half-price.

•     He rolls up your sleeve—and pulls down your pants.

•     Asks if you are allergic to eggs or deep, sensual, massages.

•     Insists on hooking up defibrillator before proceeding

•     Takes a selfie while the needle is in your arm.

•     Offers you a propofol drip before giving you the flu shot.

•     Sticks you with the needle and surprisingly remarks "Whoa! Your arm has a real bone in it!"

•     Sterilizes your arm by taking a swig of vodka and licking your shoulder clean.

•     Insists you wear a shower cap, sit behind the curtain, and call him "Mother!"

•     Lays a pistol on the desk and says, "Just in case something goes horribly wrong."

•     Has difficulty pronouncing your name without slurring and giggling and offers you an alcohol swab to suck on.

•     He warns, "You're gonna feel a little prick," then asks you to reach into his pocket and check for loose change.

Signs The Doctor Giving You a Flu Shot is a Quack

• Places a tourniquet around your neck so he can "raise a good vein."
• Tries to inject vaccine using a tattoo needle. Realizing his error, he offers you a belly button piercing at half-price. 
• He rolls up your sleeve—and pulls down your pants. 
• Asks if you are allergic to eggs or deep, sensual, massages. 
• Insists on hooking up defibrillator before proceeding 
• Takes a selfie while the needle is in your arm. 
• Offers you a propofol drip before giving you the flu shot. 
• Sticks you with the needle and surprisingly remarks "Whoa! Your arm has a real bone in it!" 
• Sterilizes your arm by taking a swig of vodka and licking your shoulder clean. 
• Insists you wear a shower cap, sit behind a curtain, and call him "Mother!" 
• Lays a pistol on the desk and says "Just in case something goes horribly wrong." 
• Has difficulty pronouncing your name without slurring and giggling. 
• Instead of warning, "You're gonna feel a little prick," he asks you to reach into his pocket and check for loose change.

ADHD Tools ( 4 the Useless )

The Launch Pad

As a self-aware ADHDer who has done some reading on the subject, I am somewhat familiar with the Launch Pad.  It is one of many tools from my fairly decent ADHD Toolbox.

Creating a Launch (& Landing) Pad area— aka "How To Lose My Stuff In All The Old Familiar Places"— involves setting up an particular area in your home, preferably near the front door,  where, with considerable practice, you will consistently place all your common and often used day-to-day stuff. It will be a place for such things as car keys, change, To-Do lists, and the many other things thatwillgomissingoryouwillforgetanywaysonceyoulookawayfromthem.

Before beddy-byes, prepare for the next day by adding the stuff you'll need for the next day.  Pay attention to what you place on your Launch Pad to avoid the "How did all that stuff get there?" moment when morning rolls around.

Here's a few suggestions and possible improvements that I just pulled out of my butt... Figuratively.

1. Link all Launch Pad items together with some twine or stretchy cord. This way if you grab one thing, you grab 'em all.
2. If you drive, make your car the Launch Pad area. This will work for awhile, longer if you have a really big car.
3. Make enough lunches to last the week and keep them in the fridge or freezer. Keep the fridge or freezer at the front door. Better still, install a walk through freezer as your foyer.
4.  Spread a handful of thumb tacks on the floor before the exit door. This should slow you down considerably, and while you're hopping around in pain you may just think "Oh yeah! I have a Launch Pad!". Note that Lego is an effective substitute for thumb tacks, although Lego is a terrible way to stick a note to your bulletin board. 

Things to Keep @ Front Door Launch Pad:

• Keys
• Wallet
• Sunglasses
• Map -of your driveway with a colour photo of your car
• Lunch Bag
• Lunch - was supposed to be in the bag
• Shopping List
• Baby
• Replacement thumb tacks/Lego pieces and Band-Aids
• Clean Underwear (your own)
• Back Pack... scratch that- unless you packed all this crap in it
• Cellphone
• Tickets ( theatre or parking )
• Other Stuff which I don't recall at the moment

  Do NOT Keep @ Front Door Launch Pad:

• Weight Sets
• Egg Salad Sandwiches
• Chocolate Fondue and a can of Sterno
• Pets
• Firearms
• Porn Collection
• Razor and Shaving Creme
• TV Remote
• BBQ
• Tool Chest on Wheels
• Preset Mouse Traps
• Only Copy of Fire Escape Route

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New Rules for "Devil's Night"

I think it is important that youth, and those young at heart, and vandals in general, be considerate and as cordial as possible when practicing “prank vandalism”.

Here are some tips:

• Use anti-bacterial soap when soaping windows.

• Using 1-ply paper will do for tee-peeing houses and is less expensive. Use recycled paper when possible. NOTE- Recycled paper IS NOT "recently used in your bathroom" paper.

• Spray targets with a coat of Pam or some other non-stick coating before egging. Bacon, toast, and coffee are welcome additions.

• Bags should be lined with fire retardant and a deodorizer.

• DO NOT, I repeat, do not include the dog when placing the dog poop it the bag! 

• Strict arson laws must be obeyed. Instead of using an actual flame, I suggest one of those battery powered L.E.D. candles be placed in the bag of poop. You could also try attaching a large, easy to read note to the bag of poop. eg.”This bag of poop is on FIRE! Quick! Stomp your foot down on it several times to extinguish the raging flames!"

Other Names for Devil's Night

“Mischief Night”, “Gate Night”, “Goosey Night”, “Cabbage Night”, “Mizzy Night”, “Miggy Night”, “Tick-Tack Night”, “Corn Night”, “Trick Night”, “Micky Night”, “Ding-Dong Ditch”, “Knick knock, Knicker-knocking”, “Knock n' Run”, “Knock Knock, Zoom Zoom”, "Ring and Run", “Nicky-Nicky Nine Doors”, “Knock, Knock, Ginger” "Bobby Knocking", “Hedge Hopping", "Chapdoor Runaway", "Chappy". 

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Improvements: Elevators

• Put in swanky washrooms. You have a couple of minutes to kill, why not freshen up while you wait. And it has to have an attendant, with hot towels and tips on horse races.
• Install kiddy-slides on all floors. Elevator Up - Slide Down.
• Convert elevator buttons to also operate as a slot machine.
• In order to carry more passengers, install a much larger propeller. The current ones on elevator ceilings are way, way, too small.
• Install a music jukebox so I can choose my own elevator music.
• "Mystery Floor" button.
• Have elevators that go side to side, as well as up and down, so you can get off right at the door.
• Doors that make the "swish" sound, like the ones on the turbo-lift on Star Trek.
• Mirrored floors on elevators. What? It's so I can check if I have gum on the bottom of my shoe! Why else would you put a mirror on the floor?
• Vending machines for snacks, coffee, soda, samosas and stuff. (but not the stuff you get from a washroom vending machines)
• Elevator music by actual preforming elevator musicians. 

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These Guys Saw Me Coming

Things I learned When Shopping for Eyeglasses

• "Specials" mostly apply to the over-sized twisty-straw frames with neon sparkles. You'll find these frames in the greasy box at the back of the store, near the washrooms- follow the smell. It's right next to the box full of fake mustaches and plastic noses.

• You have to choose lenses. Selections are rated by quality. For instance: "Better Than the Best", "The Best", "Good", "OK", "OK.. In a Brightly Lit Room", "Recycled Cut Glass", and the special's "Why Bother At All With These- Get Yourself a Dog and A White Cane Instead". The “Special” does not include the cane or dog.

• Extras apparently add to the cost. The glasses are not as complete as advertised.

Nose, brows & stache extra!

• Pre-scratched lenses are the ones included in all “Specials”. An “anti-scratch” coating can be applied for a large fee. That will have to be done at the factory level. The factory will divert your lenses from the “pre-scratch application” production line to the “anti-scratch protection... sort of, kind of” production line.

• UV protection is extra. It helps to prevent your eyeballs from being irradiated by the sun or 150 watt light bulbs. I think it's kind of expensive for the UV treatment, considering most ten dollar sunglasses have the same coating.

• You will need an anti-reflective coating if you don't want to see the back of your yucky retinas projected forward onto your lenses.

• You will usually when get a handsome flexible plastic eyeglass envelope for free. Allegedly this will keep you glasses protected from minor wind penetrations, fingerprints, and from some of the damage that may result from carrying your glasses very carefully.

• Purchase the lens cleaner from the store - 1. It’s really expensive and therefore pretty good stuff, and, B) It has the store's name on it so you can remember where not buy next time.

WARNING - Do not apply lens cleaner fluid directly to eyeballs. Do not consume the lens cleaner fluid. Doing so will probably result in blindness. If either event occurs, feel around for the phone. Good luck dialing. Remember the dial pad numbers start with "1" at the top, keypads start with "7".

• Bifocals cost more. They come in two styles. The ones with the line across the lens, and the ones without the line across the lens. You pay more for the ones without the line. I don't think I should pay extra for something that's not there.

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