The Recession Part 1

My Hair Loss Secrets!
Hi! My name is Dennis and I'm have phalacrosis, not totally though.
I am one of the many men who are “follically challenged”. Most of us eventually accept natures wrath with all it's cruel and cold manner (I wear a hat, especially in the winter) and it's silly genetic coding delivered by Mr. Heredity. I did not ask, and most would not, for my hair to abandon my once hirsute head.
There are many reasons for thinning hair or hair loss, aside from medical conditions and medicines that cause hair loss, and, yes, there is a thing called “female pattern baldness”, but I'd rather talk about myself.
But hey! What are you gonna do... besides panic, do a comb-over, cut your hair short, buy that spray-on hair-paint from Ron Popeil, start rubbing hot radishes or onions on your thinning scalp, have a cow lick your head, rub dry bees on your head. Concoctions including one that consisted of toes of a dog, the refuse of dates, and a hoof of an ass (not my ass), was once used by Egyptian royalty. All these were considered at one time cures for baldness.
Baldness is even mentioned in the Christian bible (Kings 2: 23) where a bald man was mocked and chased by a large group of youths. According to the story, the baldy stopped and turned to deliver the youth a curse in the name of God, after which two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the misguided youngsters. The bald man ran back to the injured youth and stole any scalps pieces that the bears had torn off, placed them on his head and ran around the village shouting at top of his lungs, “Look at me, look at me! I have hair! I'm so pretty”. That leads me to believe that there may have been other reasons he was chased out-of-town, being it was a Christian town and all.



My Less than true explanations for my balding.
I just learnt that Nair is not a good shampoo.
My wife secretly yanks follicles out of my head while I sleep. Revenge for my snoring, no doubt!
Stress!!! It drives up blood pressure. High blood pressure pushes out the hair follicles from your scalp and leaves you an embarrassed corpse after your massive stroke!
Baseball caps Do cause balding.
My brain is still growing, and it's starting to push out my hair making space for it's enormity.
I touch myself, OK! It's supposed to be a perfectly normal and healthy activity, and it's great for developing an awesome grip.

How I explain the recession.
I am losing my hair so gradually, that everyone will eventually notice.
I have been donating my follicles to cancer patients and hairless Chihuahuas.
I haven't lost my hair, it has simply migrated south.... via my back... to my ass. Do you know how hard it is to comb your back hair, let alone your ass hair!
My hair loss is because I, in particular produce way-way-way too much of the male sex hormone which causes side effects such as hair loss and extreme super sexual stamina.
I joined The Hairless Club for men! Not only am I a member, I'm also the president, secretary, and that weird guy who fetches coffee and donuts.
I have half of the Yule Brenner gene.
I used a Binford B8000 hair dryer, with 8000 watts of scalp scorching heat delivered by a twin turbo aviation grade induction fan, capable of delivering over 600 knots of super heated hair drying. That would the equivalent of Katrini times a factor 3... in Hell... on a hot day.