Bell Telephone Service - ☆ Codes I'd Find Handy

• PRESS *101 -Slaps, HARD, the head of the person on the other end of the line.

• PRESS *273 -Activates Lie Detector. If the other person should tell a fib while talking to you, an appropriate message when indicate to the lying bastard that they have been busted.
  
  
  
  

  Human Voice Clip Male Fifty Year Old Exclamation Liar Liar Pants On Fire sound bite  Human sound bites

  
  
  
  
  
  
  

• Press *744 – This the number for the Misinformation Operator. When you ask for a telephone number for a person, the operator will pick randomly a number from a previously generated list. This service is said to be 25% more accurate than regular 411 operator.

• Press *364 – Will taser person at the other end. Handy for those unsolicited telemarketer calls.

• Press *0-0 – Press the code and then hold up the handset to your eyes in a fashion of binoculars. This feature allows to see caller in their undies... or better.

• Press *942 – “The Inclement Weather Channel”. Allows you to experience all bad weather without leaving the house. Note- Bell is not responsible for water or hail damage.

• Press *672 – “Randomized Death Ray”. It will only fire if the caller says something stupid, tries to sell you something, asks for donations, or uses the phrase “It costs you absolutely nothing to try!”

• Press ***8 – Will tell you your service technician's current location. Transmitters are located throughout the region at all fast food outlets and adult novelty shops.

• Press *000 – Handy if you answer the phone and it's someone you don't want to talk to. You will have a choice of the following background voice and sound emulations. 
• 1. Your mother calling out for help. The emulation will shout out “I've fallen off the toilet and can't get up.” 
• 2. You, being arrested in a major drug bust. 
• 3. Supper call complete if a playing of a triangle and a hearty “Come and get it!”! 
• 4. Escalating buzzing and static sounds. 
• 5. Bell interrupting your call to tell you that your service is being terminated immediately for non-payment of phone bill. 
• 6. “GET THE FUCK OFF THE PHONE! NOW, ASS-HOLE!!!” in voice of the Terminator, and 
• 7. Skip-A-Word where every second or third word of your side of the conversation is dropped.

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If Jesus Had a Pizza Restaurant...

☺What name could he chose. Look at the success of St. Hubert, patron saint of chicken and dipping sauce. Certainly there would room in the marketplace for a little competition. Besides, if JC plans it right he could offer to save you more than money!
Here's a few names I come up with, but none of these sounds right. What do you think?

☼ "Jesus' Pizza" ☼ "God's Grub" ☼ "Christ, That's Good" ☼ "Lord's Fixings" ☼ 

☼ "House of God - Pizza & Wings" ☼ "Holy Pizza!" ☼

☺Menu items might look like this if he was to take advantage of his celebrity. I don't think there are stories regarding his prowess in the kitchen. I really think he was a BBQ kind of guy. On Sundays he makes his special Lazarus Bread, get there early enough you can watch it rise up.

We use unleavened dough in all our pizzas!
Gentile menu available!

☼ The Chosen Peoples Pizza - Made with smoked meat, deviled eggs, gefilte fish, pastrami,  with goat cheese fresh from the goat.
☼ Lucifer's Punishment 

         - EXTRA Flaming Hot Angel Wings!
☼ Gabriel Lite Archangel Wings 

          - with Special Anointing Sauce.
☼ Rack of Lamb of God.
☼ Juicy Speared Ribs
☼ Angel hair pasta -made from the hair of real angels.

Dipping Sauces                                                                

☼ BBQ ☼ Hot ☼ Christ that's really Hot  ☼  

☼  Hot as Hell ☼ God damn it to HELL HOT!!!! ☼
☼ Apocalyptic ☼

Sides

☼ Caesar Salad with Real Bits of Caesar ☼
 ☼ Garden of Eden Green Salad ** apple free ☼
☼ Holy garlic bread ** gothes must show ID ☼
☼ All you can eat Manna ☼

   Desserts                                                

  All are fat and sin free!                                   

☼ Hot crossed buns ☼ Devils food cake ☼ Angels Food Cake ☼                                                          

 

      Drinks                                                          

☼ JC's Wine Eternal - JC's own special label. Just keep adding water to the bottle. ☼

                                ☼ Free holy water ☼ Pontius Pilot Punch ☼

☺You Might Overhear...

• “Is that pick-up or would you like it delivered onto thee?”
• “Would you like wine with that? No. You say that last bottle was a tad watery."
• "Yes. Delivery is 30 Minutes or salvation is free.”
• “Yep! We do kosher.”
• “I'm deeply sorry for that. I'll double the garlic bread and say 3 Hail Marys.
• 'I'll let my son talk to you. Jesus! Jesus Christ, will you get up to the front right now!

☺Health and safety could be a concern!

• Does Jesus wear a hair net? And a beard net?
• Hires and underpays minorities such as Samaritans and Lepers.
• Signs are not multilingual. Should have French, English, Arabic, Hebrew, and Aramaic.
• Health violations - frogs, blood in water, lice, flies, sick donkeys, boils, sick donkeys with boils, locust, serpents, poor lighting, demons, Roman soldiers...

☺Testimonials...

• "Jesus pizza is a wise choice for all your party needs!"  ~ King Salomon

• "Pizza that's, unfortunately, good for your soul!"  ~ Lucifer

• "If I knew it was this good, I never had quit the group or turned him in!"  ~ Judas Iscariot

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