The Great Recession

My Hair Loss Secrets!

"It's early evening. Everyone has seated themselves in the smaller of the two assembly halls at the rec center. One-by-one, someone voluntarily stands up and moves to the front of the planted group. They walk over to the microphone snaking out of an old wooden dias with a grain that had once a smoothly varnished finish, but now, features a full compliment of hand-carved initials within hearts, left there by youthful love struck vandals. Each person announce their name, state their challenge, and wait briefly to receive an acknowledgement from the audience. Then, it's my turn. I do the walk, and position myself under the warming lamp thats hangs low enough to do so. I speak in the mike.

"Hi! My name is Dennis, and I'm a baldy.... not completely though! Compared to most of you guys, I'm freaking Repunzel! I feel like I'm talking to room full of bowling balls with eyes! I bet your kids try to paint your heads on Easter."

Exit, left.

There are many reasons for thinning hair or hair loss, aside from medical conditions and from medicines that can cause hair loss and, yes, there is such a thing as “female pattern baldness”, but..., I'd rather talk about myself.

I am one of the many men who are “follically challenged”. Most of us eventually accept Mother Nature's wrath, with all it's cruel and cold manner (I wear a hat, especially in the winter) and her silly genetic coding delivered by Mr. Heredity. I did not ask, and most would not, for my hair to abandon my once hirsute head.

So you start to drop some hair, here and there, now and then, and then one day someone mentions that your shiny spot is getting bigger. BIGGER!!!! Well, what are you gonna' do... besides panic, do a comb-over, cut your hair short, buy that spray-on hair-paint from Ron Popeil, start rubbing hot radishes or onions on your thinning scalp, have a cow lick your head, rub dry bees on your head. Concoctions, including one that consisted of toes of a dog, the refuse of dates, and a hoof of an ass (not my ass), was once used by Egyptian royalty. All these were considered cures for baldness at one time.

Baldness is even mentioned in the Christian bible (Kings 2: 23) where a bald man was mocked and chased by a large group of youths. According to the story, the baldy stopped and turned to deliver the youth a curse in the name of God, after which two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the misguided youngsters. The bald man ran back to the injured youth and stole any scalps pieces that the bears had torn off, placed them on his head and ran around the village shouting at top of his lungs, “Look at me, look at me! I have hair! I'm so very pretty”. This leads me to believe that there may have been other reasons he was chased out-of-town, being it was a Christian town and all. And you can check out Leviticus also. It says something about men in any state of baldness are all "pure men"!

My Less Than True Explanations for My Balding.

I just learnt that Nair is not a good shampoo.

My wife secretly yanks follicles out of my head while I sleep. Revenge for my snoring, no doubt!

Stress!!! It drives up blood pressure. High blood pressure pushes out the hair follicles from your scalp and leaves you as an embarrassed corpse with a bad toupee, after your massive stroke!

Baseball caps Do cause balding.

My brain is still growing, and it's starting to push out my hair making space for it's enormity.

I touch myself, OK! It's supposed to be a perfectly normal and healthy activity, and it's great for developing an awesome grip.

How I Explain the Recession.

I am losing my hair so gradually, that everyone will eventually notice.

I have been donating my follicles to cancer patients and hairless Chihuahuas.

I haven't lost my hair, it has simply migrated south.... via my back... to my ass. Do you know how hard it is to comb your back hair, let alone your ass hair!

My hair loss is because I, in particular produce way-way-way too much of the male sex hormone which causes side effects such as hair loss and extreme super sexual stamina.

I joined The Hairless Club for men! Not only am I a member, I'm also the president, secretary, and that weird guy who fetches coffee and doughnuts.

I have half of the Yule Brenner gene.

I used a Binford B8000 hair dryer, with 8000 energy sucking watts of scalp scorching heat delivered by a twin-turbine turbo aviation grade induction fan, capable of delivering over 600 knots of super heated hair drying. That would have the blow power equivalent to Katrini times a factor 3... in Hell... on a hot day.

Happiness is: Readers "Clicking" on a few of my sponsor ads. Eventually I will need a new keyboard or a surgery for tunnel carpal, and possibly more frequent visits with my therapist!

Every little click helps! :)

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