Listerine vs Mosquitoes

(If Only Mosquitoes Would Rinse)

I have recently read several articles regarding the use of Listerine in the fight against the winged "pest" that shall remain nameless... until the next sentence.

Female mosquitoes, or as I and many three year old's call them, 'skittoes, are the biters of the species! And who among of us doesn't like to be subjected to a bite now and then, here and there, especially there.... Yes! Yes! 'Skittoes are primarily attracted by our exhaust breath ( CO2 ), moisture, warmth, body odour (BO2...this is my own personal chemistry symbol!).

In most bug sprays, the wonder chemical Deet is a used to fight away the girls. Deet basically F%+$s-up the mosquito's ability to find you. Listerine, on the other hand, will gives mosquitoes minty-fresh breathe and help make their buggy social gatherings less awkward. Unless you spray it directly on beasties, or get them to swim in a vat of the stuff, mosquitoes aren't particularly offended by Listerine.

I have a thought! What was it? Oh yah! Menthol, thymol, methyl salicylate, eucalyptol & ethanol are the ingredients of Listerine Gold, the old stuff, without the sugary flavours. All these chemicals are nasty by themselves, but only in huge amounts.

My thought, and for arguments sake, present and future, I am always correct, is this; the chemistry of our (people) exhaust breath may be altered enough by Listerine to eliminate the effects of CO2 as a potent source of attraction for the “bitch”in 'skittoes. Please know that I have yet to see a study that proves or disproves my hypothesis, primarily because I didn't bother to look. But we could put it to a test over a long weekend. Remember, use only the original or Gold Listerine, as that's the one with the most ethanol, and therefore causes the most medical emergency crises, what with the cirrhosis, and the drunkenness, and the death involving real life bumper cars.

Other random thoughts:

• If we give the male mosquitoes tiny little mints that make their breath smell carbon dioxish, maybe the female biters will go after them instead. This should pretty much eradicate their existence.... totally!

• Do mosquitoes bite dead things? If they don't, then I suggest we paint big X's on our eye lids, and close them when mosquitoes approach.

• Wear a cedar or pine wreath around neck, and wreathlets on your wrists and ankles. (Note: Keep a safe distance from campfires and dogs with busy bladders.) I read somewhere that the Voyageurs hung a cedar branch in front of their faces to deter mosquitoes and black flies. It may explain why it took those guys so long to discover this great country, and also the large bumps on their foreheads from walking into trees.

• Appoint a Designated Mosquito Attractor (DMA). They can sit NAKED ( that's such a fun word to say, less so when typed), and probably intoxicated (ethanol - for itch control) in a smallish plastic swimming pool, at a safe distance far enough away to protect the much more sober crowd than he or she (she gets my vote as DMA). To help attract the little buggers, set up a teeny-tiny bingo in the pool and then watch as those females biters swarm in.

• Ask the city of Ottawa (or ask your local municipality, it's probably a lot closer) to give you a bottle of whatever the hell it is they put in the sewers to fight the spread of West Nile. If it's safe enough for our sewers then it's probably safe to drink, or rub on, or put it in a lake.

• Call and invite someone from Chem-lawn to your next outdoor activity. Get a veteran, one who has been spraying pesticides for a few years. We can all hover around him or her when the bugs start a biting. I assume these pest control people are basically inoculated and mosquito-repellent by virtue of over exposure to pesticides.

Facts About Mosquitoes (So I'm Told)

• Both male and female mosquitoes are nectar feeders. Consider spraying Deet on plants in your flower or vegetable garden.

• Mosquitoes are estimated to transmit disease to more than 700 million people annually in Africa, South America, Central America, Mexico and much of Asia with millions of resulting deaths. #One- Change your travel plans. #Two- Fund a program that will train the populations of these aforementioned countries in proper mosquitoes swatting technique. #Three- Hire mosquitoes to delivery the mail while they are at it.

• In Europe, Russia, Greenland, Canada, the United States, Australia, New Zealand, Japan and other temperate and developed countries, mosquito bites are now mostly an irritating nuisance, much like bankers, lawyers, and Wal-Mart greeters. They still cause some deaths each year mostly from viruses and bug-smacking injuries.

Controlling the Mosquito

• Source Reduction- the removal of mosquito breeding habitats. Stop selling beds and sex toys to bugs!

• Habitat Modification- manipulating habitats to reduce breeding or access. No doors or windows on homes???

• Bio-control- introducing natural predators of mosquitoes. Cats are great for this, if you can get the 'skittoes to wear Mickey Mouse ears!

• Larvicide- using pesticides to reduce larval populations. "Run, Larvals, run!"

• Adulticide- using pesticides to reduce adult populations. Well, I guess that will take care of the mother-in-law, but what about the mosquitoes?

Keep this in mind; females do not require blood for survival, but they do need supplemental substances, like protein and iron, to develop eggs. What we really should consider is mosquito vitamin supplements. You know, some folic acid or something.

I have now lost track and I am now thinking about four eared bunny rabbits.
Dennis